Lyman's Social Rantings Pt. 2: The Topper

(in this ongoing series our writer looks at different social quirks and practices that annoy the shit out of him)

(please note the use of the word 'topper' in this post does not imply any homo-erotic connotation, perv!)

Of all the different types of people you meet the Topper is without a doubt one of the worst. We all know people like this, we work with them, we went to school with them and somehow we've had conversations with them without slapping their face off. A Topper is one of those people who has to top whatever you say. You can't tell them what a bad day you're having without them immediately stopping you and telling you how worse their day has been. You can't tell them how good a concert you just saw is without them cutting off your story and telling you how great some concert they just saw is. It's epidemic.

"I love Pearl Jam's second record."
"Have you heard their third record? That's the one to get, the second one is good and all but the third one is so much better."

"My feet hurt today."
"I don't want to hear about your feet. My feet have been killing me forever."

"I've been really busy lately."
"Well there's no way you've been as busy as I have."

I fear we will never find a cure for the Topper. All we can do is avoid them at all costs or at the very least remind them that everyday conversation is not a competition. These people are just insecure and looking for someone to either tell them how cool they are or feel sorry for them. Don't indulge the Topper, it will only make things worse!

P.S.
I'd like to add that recent pop culture has birthed a new form of Topper I like to call 'The Office Topper'. These people can't let two words go by regarding the American version of The Office without telling you how infinitely superior the British version is. The Office Toppers are so pervasive these days that I've had to boycott the British Office. Never will I watch it! It could be Citizen Kane and I'd never know it because it's been ruined for me. If you encounter an Office Topper I suggest employing the following strategy:

"Did you see the Office last night? Steve Carell was so funny."
"But have you seen the British Office? The American one is good but the British one really is better."
"Oh yeah? Well have you seen the Ugandan Office? Man, the Uganda version is the best of all!"

New Top Five up. Go dig it.